you didn't do anything wrong...

have you ever talked to someone who is on the brink of a big change?

It almost seems like the hope of great new things is looming like a big prize. At first, you're giddy and optimistic along with them. They move excitedly through all the possibilities out on their new horizon. Call me a buzzkill, but isn't that always when the grandeur begins to look a little far fetched The better you know the person, and the closer you are to them; the more likely you are to worry about how they'll survive if they don't succeed at this new adventure. What if she's shooting to far beyond the mark? or what if he's just not ready for all that?

I had to catch myself recently. I really want to be the eternal optimist, but I realize as I get older, how precious a good therapist with some tough love can be, even if they're not the real deal. Now I am not necessarily that good, but sometimes, I'm available , and that's often good enough for government work in my little world.

I have given some crappy advice over the last 30 years. By fluke I've also been in the right place, at the right time, just having come off a great Pearl Cleage novel, and I've spouted wisdom that would make the price of an 89 Rothschild Bordeaux look reasonable. I mean its been valuable, useful stuff that real people have patched up real woulds with. Those miracles have given me some clout with some folks, thank you Pearl. Today, however, I found myself offering a little gem of unsolicited advice that I'm not quite sure about. All I know is that it is either genius or bullshit, no chance at anything in between.

Today I told a dear friend, someone at a crossroads that has been a long time coming, that she didn't do anything wrong, she just hadn't done anything right. I probably should have been slapped; she has wisdom and grace and even wigs that are older than me. but, at the same time, there she was- standing at that new doorway. she was happy and a bit nostalgic. I remembered some of where she had come from along with her. Then She started to sound overwhelmingly confident. and I just froze. I worried, all these new ideas, they're great, but she's moving so fast. I know this is a positive direction, but she's going to hit some stumbling blocks. I can't let that happen. What if she hits that first, tough roadblock and gives up. I know this road is going to be full of obstacles. Oh god!

If you have ever been standing there, frozen, listening to what sounds "great on paper", and you've felt the desire to be a human lasso, to pull someone back from the edge when they are aiming "too high"... If you have ever witnessed, someone you love venture out onto the gangplank of their own free will- May I suggest that you give them a good send off.
Some things obviously require alot more restraint and thought, but if you know the person really wants what they are moving towards. Let them have it. Let them decide. If you find it necessary to pipe in, just so no one says you didn't, then simply that they have a real shot at the prize.
just remind them that actions in the past have taught them alot. remember that yourself too.

I found it really hard to let my friend open that door. I didn't want her to fail, or get hurt, or even find out she was in the wrong room and have to back out again. But then I reflected( in my frozen state). If I knew that everything she had done in the past hadn't gotten her what she wanted, and everything I had always said hadn't necessarily helped, then maybe it was time for us both to try something new.

While my dear friend imagined all the great things behind that door, I didn't hold her back , I told her- go for it. I'll be here.

Well, at least that's what I meant. I think it sounded more like I said it before. I told her, "so far you haven't done anything wrong, you just haven't done anything right, yet, either." thankfully she's used to my backwards thinking and I think she understood. I meant that this new approach was really worth trying out, after all- this could be the right way to do things, finally!

I think today's lesson, for me, is : if you can't stop and think before you speak... then for now, practice by freezing up. Go with that.. it seems to almost work as well as thinking.